I opened up to someone recently. Not sure why maybe I was looking for support or reassurance that everything that has happened was not my fault. I think I was hoping for acceptance.
Unfortunately whilst the person has been very nice about things and polite and accepting. I still feel rejected. They avoid me and I feel like I’m putting all the effort in. They’ve actually checked what I’ve wanted to talk about a couple of times. Which is like being told not to talk about what’s worrying me. Which is worse than actually being told directly.
It makes me feel rejected, like I’m hassling and upsetting them. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like no one can accept me and I should stay hidden.
And maybe that’s how it should be. I should be hidden, forgotten, ignored. I’m not worth anything. I can’t get on my Phd, I can’t make friends, I can’t get a better job or do anything.
So I just carry on, going through the motions just existing. In the world but not part of it. Looking in from the outside. I’m lost. I am forgotten. I am nothing.